Useless, depressed and ugly? Let’s hear it for Kurt Cobain!

 I came across a somewhat depressing little piece on Google’s highly commendable Ageism Alert. According to a blogger called Julian of ‘The Tattler’ (sic), ‘there are nine known major stereotypes that reflect prejudice towards senior citizens: Illness, impotency, ugliness, mental decline, mental illness, uselessness, isolation, poverty, depression’. I don’t want to be accused of ageism in reverse but I know a good many young people to whom those labels would fit very well.

Like so many other prejudices in life, the antipathy towards older folk is mostly born out of fear. Young people know they will inevitably have to face the negative features of growing old at some stage (completely overlooking the positives) but by ridiculing those who have already arrived at that time of life they can pretend it will never happen to them.

There is also the element of difference which is at the root of so many human prejudices I liked a story from another blogger who said that when he turned 60 he had more time to focus on his passion for rock music. He wanted to go to a live gig but fearing the trendy young things would poke fun at him, he had a T-shirt made bearing one of Kurt Cobain’s more memorable sayings: ‘You laugh because I’m different. I laugh because you’re all the same’. Says it all, really.

Sex over 60 – stating the bleedin’ obvious

One of John Cleese’s many memorable lines in Fawlty Towers was a typically waspish dig at his wife, Sybil, for ’stating the bleedin’ obvious’. That phrase sprang immediately to mind when I came across a full page article in The Times this week headlined ‘Sex, sexuality and the over 60s’. Under a sub-heading, ‘Ground-breaking study of 3,000 people’, the article drew on a survey of 3000 Americans aged from 57 to 85 in the ‘ultra respectable New England Journal of Medicine’, and came up with such earth-shattering conclusions as ’sex looms large in the lives of the over-60s’ and ‘age plays a smaller part in sexual activity than attitude. You are as young, and sexy, as you feel’.

 Amazing, stunning, utterly incredible. What will these gods of medical knowledge reveal to us next? I can hardly wait for them to pour out more of their transcendental wisdom. In the meantime I’ll carry on with my life, eternally grateful to them for confirming what I and millions like me knew all along – that feeling horny doesn’t disappear as soon as the grey hairs appear – despite the ‘Old people having sex jokes’ that were printed alongside The Times article. My two favourites were Joan Rivers ‘It’s so long since I’ve had sex that I’ver forgotten who ties up whom’ and George Burns ‘Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.’ Boom, boom. 

What the f… does age have to do with it?

I came across a great acronym the other day. After I had frantically searched for my car keys for ages and then discovered they were in my pocket all the time, I joked to a friend of mine that I had just had a senior moment. ‘More like a “craft” moment’, she replied. When I asked what that signified, she looked surprised. ‘It’s a ruder variation of senior,’ she said. It stands for “Can’t Remember A Fucking Thing!” ‘

Does anyone know any other witty acronyms, not necessarily connected to age? We’re offering a prize of a trip to a Zimmers concert for the best response. Second prize is two trips! (only joking; we love you really, Zimmers)

Is Viagra hardening hearts and minds?

I was fascinated by the fact that The Sunday Times magazine recently devoted its front cover and six inside pages to what it called ‘Viagony and the ecstasy’, an evaluation of the social changes that Viagra has made since it first thrust itself to the forefront of our collective consciousness nine years ago. One of the main themes of the article was the suggestion that modern man’s ability to achieve chemically-induced erections at will is having an adverse effect on heterosexual relationships because of the emphasis on penetration, performance and prolonging the sexual act and the concomitant decrease in communication and the celebration of the human mind as the most erotic part of the body.

To me the debate should be seen in a far wider context which The Sunday Times chose to ignore, namely the medical profession’s drive to offer us a pill for every human ‘defect’, both physical and mental. If you believe what you read in the papers, you will soon be able to pop a pill to cure shyness, baldness, addictions, obsessions, negative thinking, many major illnesses and other faults and imperfections which the test tube brigade are no doubt working on at this very moment. There are those who react instinctively by bracketing such instant cure-alls with genetic engineering and body part replacement, dismissing any positive aspects by suggesting the whole pill therapy business smacks of Frankenstein syndrome.

 There is certainly a danger that the quest for physical and mental perfection is making neurotics of us all, leading us to become compulsive seekers of an impossibly flawless self-image that can never be fulfilled. As against that, anything that can lessen misery and suffering, however trite the problem might seem, can surely not be a bad thing. In the end it is all a question of balance. Being human means living with something less than perfection but more than mediocre acceptance.

BBC’s treatment of Nick Ross is an ageist crime

The BBC have put themselves well and truly in the firing line by removing Nick Ross from his 23-year tenure as frontman for Crimewatch. Although it has not been officially stated, there is apparently little doubt that the Beeb consider Ross to be past his sell-by date at the age of 59. The fact that Ross has become something of a national institution has not been taken into account; neither have Ross’s charisma, charm and amazing ability to cheat the years, all of which are surely major factors in attracting and retaining viewers. It is the powers at the BBC who should be appearing on Crimewatch, charged with carrying out a monstrous exercise in ageism.

Ageism makes London’s Olympic logo a no-go

Former Olympic champion Seb Coe, or Lord Coe as he is now known, put his athlete’s foot in it when he said that the controversial logo for the London Olympics in 2012 was designed for its street cred and was aimed at younger people. I am surprised that chairman of the Olympics organising committee strayed into the murky waters of ageism because that is exactly what his sentiments represent.

 Ironically, a recent poll of younger people showed that 68 per cent think the logo is awful. I wonder what those in the more mature age groups think? If Coe wanted to alienate the older members of our society he has certainly made giant strides in that direction. The man who was arguably our greatest middle distance runner spoke about the logo’s ability to unite the nation but he is on the wrong track this time.

More sex please, I’m sixty!

I came across this extraordinary column in The London Paper, one of the capital’s freesheets, the other day. The column is entitled ‘Gay girl about town’ and the heading for that particular day was ‘ Strip off, strap on’. I’m no prude but I have to say I was suprised by the explicit content, especially as TLP would presumably describe itself as a mianstream family newspaper. The writer chronicled her lesbian exploits, using a certain type of sex aid, in fairly graphic detail. To be honest, I am amazed such a column has been given house room; it’s not even good journalism.

Reading this tawdry little attempt at grabbing readers by shocking them set me thinking about what the response would be to a column featuring sex among the over sixties. I’m willing to bet the reaction would be far stronger than anything the lesbian meanderings could drum up. The truth is that sex at a certain age is still considered something to brush under the carpet. It’s also true that when you reach that time of life your sex drive doesn’t just go AWOL; in fact, given that you have more free time on your hands and less life pressures, the dormant libido often returns more potently than ever. I know that’s true in my case; in fact I think I’ll ring the editor of The London Paper and suggest he ditches the lesbian and lets me have a shot.  I could give Bryan Adams anthem ’Summer of 69′ a whole new meaning…

The Zimmers – you’ve been framed?

I am gratified to see that there has been a world-wide response to The Zimmers releasing a single which is a re-worked version  of The Who’s My Generation. The Zimmers were featured in the final programme of the recent BBC three-part series Power to the People highlighting the isolation of old people who feel marginalised by society. Any publicity drawing attention to this blot on our national landscape can only be a good thing but I seriously question whether The Zimmers will achieve what they set out to do – or exactly the opposite.

 The combined age of the 40 members of the band is 3000, with the lead singer, Alf, a wel-preserved 90. However, if I am brutally honest, watching them perform made me cringe. Old people singing Who songs are simply not cool; if anything their rather contrived rendition of this classic rock song reinforces stereotypes. I’m all for breaking down age barriers and taboos but, realistically, there are limits. Growing old disgracefully is something to be encouraged but am I the only one feeling more than a little uneasy about The Zimmers?

Don’t let Saga get away with it

I hesitate to admit to schadenfreude but there was certainly a degree of smugness when I read that Saga are facing a possible disaster because of government legislation against what might be termed ‘reverse discrimination’. Saga have been offering cruises and coach tours exclusively for the over-50s for years but legislation banning all discrimination in the provision of good and services – including on the grounds of age – means the company might have to open its doors to all comers thus allowing young people access to their ’silver tours’.

 Saga was originally told that the law would require them to offer all cruises, resort and touring holidays and numerous financial products to everyone irrespective of age. They have responded by claiming that their brand name would be jeoparidised and their business could collapse if trendy young things are allowed to ’pollute’ the sedate and rarified ambience of their traditional activities. The government have since hinted that they might be prepared to compromise to help Saga out of a potentially deep hole. But why should Saga receive special treatment? If they can get away with what is quite simply an ageist policy why shouldn’t others? To allow Saga to circumvent the legislation would make a mockery of everything the anti-ageism laws are supposed to stand for. Saga should sink or swim along with the rest.

Ball park figure

The bitter taste of revenge came swiftly to me after posting a recent blog about a friend of a certain age being offered a seat on the bus by a young woman. When the death of Alan Ball was announced this week at the age of 61 my friend took great pleasure in bating me about the fact that I am the same vintage as England’s 1966 World Cup hero. This untimely poke in the ribs stung momentarily but I quickly reminded myself that age really is all in the mind and fixating on a number is pointless – unless you are a mathematician.

The Italians apparently have a saying ‘The old will die; the young can die’, which highlights the fact that life and death are two sides of the same coin. The reality is that we could be knocked down by a number 27 bus, fall down a manhole, get bitten by a Black Widow or poleaxed by a coronary at any time but that’s something we can’t control so why worry about it? As far as I’m concerned, the fact that Alan B popped his clogs at 61 has no more relevance to me than a game of bingo. When my number’s up it’s up – but in the meantime I’m not going to waste time checking my card every five minutes.